Francis P Church’s editorial, “Yes Virginia There is a Santa Claus,” became one of the most famous editorials ever written. It first appeared in the New York Sun and was printed annually until 1949 when the paper went out of business. I wonder what the response might be if the letter responded to by Mr. church had been sent today to me. With apologies to the late Mr. Church, Ms. O’Hanlon and to all of you who I offend by my grammar or for other reasons too many to enumerate, this might be the response:

Dear Sir:

I am eight years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. Poppa says, if you see it in this the only the internet, it’s so.” Please tell me the truth, is there a Santa Claus?

Virginia O’Hanlon

Dear Virginia,

Virginia, your little friends are wrong, unpatriotic and should be blocked from your Facebook account.  They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. Their minds and intellects are small as measured against the intelligence capable of grasping the whole truth and knowledge brought to us by big business and advertising.

Yes, Virginia there is a Santa Claus. You might know him as Visa or MasterCard. Hs elves have been replaced by Chinese workers. His address has changed from the North Pole to Amazon.com. He exists as certainly as global warming and Obamacare.  Alas! How dreary would the world be if there were no Santa Claus! No threatening you with a naughty and nice list kept monitored by an omnificent jolly old elf with an eating disorder. There would be no purchasing of ugly sweaters and electronic devices, the latter requiring a degree from MIT to operate. The American economy would crash, your Poppa would be out of work, and you would be seeking handouts on the side of the road holding a sign reading, “Too cute to work.” We would have no enjoyment except for endless political campaigns and professional sports seasons.

Not believe in Santa Claus! You might get your Poppa to try to hire men to watch all the chimneys on Christmas Eve to catch Santa, but all this would prove is that with the increase in minimum wage and deportation of illegal workers, your Poppa could not afford to. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? If so, have your Poppa and Momma cut back on your medications. The most important things in the world are those that cannot be seen, such as how the experts pick the top teams for the college football playoffs are what your credit score goes down when you pay off a credit card and cancel it.

You can tear apart the baby’s rattle and see what makes the noise inside and find that the contents are harmful to swallow. But there is a veil covering the unseen world that cannot that not even the strongest professional athletes on steroids could ever tear apart. Push that curtain aside and you will find  corporate America mining your private information from your Internet use so that businesses can conduct research, develop and produce goods for Santa Claus to bring to you – goods which you don’t need but are you made to think you need. Ah Virginia, in all the world there is nothing else real and abiding, except perhaps taxes and death.

No Santa Claus! Thank God he lives and lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood – and the hearts of merchants.

PS. If your Poppa thinks that if he sees it on the Internet, it’s so, please tell him I have a bridge to sell.