Halloween has come and gone.  Thanksgiving is nearly upon us.  A time to count our blessings and then move on to the “Big One” — Christmas.  Since the movie begins with Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, my family has traditionally watched It’s a Wonderful Life  just after the third helping of pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving Day.

          Even though we know each line by heart we watch it and root for George Bailey against his nemesis, that old curmudgeon, Mr. Potter. (I received a thesaurus last year for Christmas.  Otherwise, it would read “We rooted for George Bailey against the bad guy, that Potter dude).

          But I digress.

          George Bailey managed the Bailey Savings and Loan, what is known today as a “thrift” institution.  They are mutually owned by the depositors.  You remember when there was a run on Bailey S & L George explained the money was not there, it was in the mortgages financing their mortgages?  He used is on own money to tide people over until the crisis passed, while Mr. Potter’s bank was gobbling up everything else in Bedford Falls.

          And who can forget the famous ending inscribed in Clarence the angel’s copy of Tom Sawyer, “Remember George, no man is a failure if he has friends”?

          We don’t have many savings and loans anymore.  We have banks.

Banks that Mr. Potter would love.

          When asked about his occupation, John Dillinger stated, “I rob banks, what do you do?”  Banks rob us, but they are sneaky about it.

          No guns, no masks.  Their weapon is the “fee.”

          According to a recent article in the Wall Street Journal, “Bankers have an odd-sounding problem these days: they are awash in cash.”  Bank profits are up by 7.9 billion.

          Loans aren’t as profitable as they used to be. Interest rates are at historic lows. A new law caps the amount banks can charge merchants, from an average of 44 cents per debit card transaction to 24 cents. According to JPMorgan, this new law will cost them $300 million each quarter in income.

          So how did they get all that money?  Fees, that’s how.

          Banks basically now only loan to people who don’t need to borrow the money.  If you do win the lottery and want to get a house loan consider the following fees:  “administrative fee”,  “application fee”, “appraisal review fee”,  “courier fee”,  “document preparation fee”, “document review fee”, “loan origination fee”  and “settlement fee”.

          All of them spurious (again, the thesaurus).

You can search for information about fees in banks’ official disclosure documents, but you’ll need a lot of time and a couple of cups of coffee, too. An analysis of checking accounts for the 10 largest banks by the Pew Health Group found that the median length of their disclosure statements was 111 pages.

Read the 111 pages at the bank and it will charge you rent.

But it’s not just loan add-ons that banks purloin (I just love my thesaurus).  No sireee.  Consider that banks charge for:

• Talking to a live person
• Getting a paper statement
• Making a wire transfer
• Receiving money into your account from wire transfers
• Redeeming reward points
• Closing your account.

My favorite is charging your account an “excess activity fee” if you have more than six transactions.  If you do not have sufficient activity the bank charges an “inactivity fee.”  If your money just sits there for the bank to use, how does it cost the bank money if you don’t use it?

          I say Fight Back!

          Don’t occupy Wall Street – charge Wall Street.

          Send a letter to your local Mr. Potter and advise him you will now be charging his bank the following fees:

          1.  No Parking Fee.  I will be charging $3 per visit not to park in your lot so customers will not be scared away by my piece of junk that I still owe you 27 months on.  It is $4 per visit if you do not want me to track the leaked transmission fluid into your lobby.

          2.  Inconvenience Fee.  Since I am paying for convenience, I will be charging the bank an inconvenience fee of $2 per month, for standing in line, wrapping coins for deposit, and closing before I get off work.

          3.  Junk Mail Process Fee.  There will be a $3 per item charged for all your junk mail sent to me touting new “convenient” services you now are offering (and charging a fee for).

          4.  Advertising Fee. Since you charge a fee every time I swipe my debit card with your logo on it, it will be offset by a corresponding fee for advertising your bank on my debit card.

          5.  Payment Processing Fee.  I think it only fair that if you charge me for making payment through your bank I should charge you a fee for each payment I make on my house, my two cars and my credit card I have with your fine institution.

          6.  Blood Donation Fee. With your blood sucking interest rates so high, I think it only fair that I charge you a monthly fee at the going rate for a pint of blood.

          7.  Withdrawal Insurance.  For a nominal monthly fee, funds on deposit will be insured against sudden and violent withdrawals of unspecified amounts of unmarked bills in small denominations.  You will be provided a copy of the policy issued through the Bonnie and Clyde Indemnity Company – for a fee.

          In the meantime, please come home George Bailey.  We need you before we all live in Potter’s Field.