This presidential election has turned into a B western movie, sort of a shootout at the D.C. corral.  On the one hand we have a snake oil salesman peddling his miracle cures like a carnie barker running against a dance hall floozie who will sidle up to the bar and tell you whatever you want to hear to get your vote. 

        I don’t question their honesty or integrity.  Those questions have been answered.  The medicine show huckster received his training from the gambling casinos and reality TV. He says whatever comes to his mind. He is limited not by his speechwriters or facts, only his imagination.  His opponent embraces the new age version of honesty, with her positions being relative to when she said it and her intended audience.

        As for their VP choices, let’s just say one is not welcomed in Springfield, Ohio, but arguably knows where it is and the other one confused being in China with being in Nebraska (according to conservative news sources).

        The media constantly refers to a “showdown” and the candidates “firing back” at one another.  I say the country deserves better than a B western movie as a presidential race, make it one for the A list.  Let’s elect Roy Rogers president. That’s right; the King of the Cowboys is the man for the job.

        Born in Ohio (the cradle of presidents) into a family of humble means, Roy (then Leonard Slye) worked on the family farm (the farmer vote) and then in a factory (the blue-collar vote) before hitting it big in Hollywood as singing cowboy/actor (the California vote).  Riding, roping and yodeling beats lying, cheating and stealing.

        And he had a smile and an easy-going manner that the country hasn’t seen since Ike.  But if riled up, he could handle himself in a fist fight (he never lost his hat) or a gun fight (he only shot to wound, and even then, it was not that serious).

        President Rogers and First Lady Dale Evans (has a nice ring) practiced what liberal politicians preach.  They parented a blended and multi-ethnic family, adopting a Choctaw Native American, Scottish and Korean girls, a battered child and had a child with special needs.

        Roy’s platform was spelled out in his Roy Rogers’ Rider Club Rules:       

        1. Be neat and clean.

2. Always obey your parents.

3. Be courteous and polite.

4. Protect the weak and help them.

5. Be brave but never take chances.

6. Study hard and learn all you can.

7. Be kind to animals and take care of them.

8 . Eat all your food and never waste any.

9. Love God and go to Sunday school regularly.

10. Always respect our flag and our country.

        Roy’s running mate would have to be Pat Brady.  Strong arguments can be made for Roy’s movie sidekicks Andy Devine or Gabby Hayes, but Pat Brady best fits the mold cast by our previous V.P. ‘s- not too bright and always putting their foot in their mouth.  Besides, just once I would like our vice-president to respond with a “Whoa Nellie” to a question from the media.

        Walter Brennan would be the logical choice for Press Secretary.  The Guns of Will Sonnet a balazin’, I can hear a “That’s the gull darndest question I ever heard” or “Are ya deef?” coupled with that pained expression he always had on his face during White House briefings.

        As for cabinet appointments and other key positions, Secretary of State would have to be Gene Autry.  Who could not like Gene Autry?  Under Secretary of State?  His sidekick, Smiley Burnette.

        If other countries were not charmed by Gene or Smiley, Roy could turn to his Secretary of Defense, John Wayne.  Wouldn’t you love to hear the Duke tell Putin, “Ya better listen ’cause I’m only gonna tell you once.  Be out of the Ukraine by sundown or I’m comin’ in after ya.”  Instead of Delta Force he would have the Magnificent Seven at his disposal.

        Jimmy Stewart was a lawyer in The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance, garnering political success by taking credit for something that was not true.  Looks like a natural as Attorney General.

        As for the Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, Blazing Saddles’ Cleavon Little is a nice fit.  If he can be a sheriff of a plywood fake town, he can supervise the construction and management of shoddy governmental housing.

        The Director of the CIA could only be the Lone Ranger.  Wearing his clever disguise, I can hear him say, “Tonto, you go into North Korea and check for nukes while I slip into Iran and see if they are abiding by their promises.”

        Roy’s choice to head DEA? Zorro. Who better to root out Mexican and Columbian cartels and their corrupt governmental partners?  And who better to whip our educational system into shape but Secretary of Education Lash LaRue?  Let’s not forgot the Surgeon General, Doc Holliday.

        There would be places for Hopalong Cassidy, Tom Mix, Johnny Mack Brown, Rex Allen, Annie Oakley, Randolph Scott and Herb Jeffries.

        Instead of delivering the State of the Union address in the House of Representatives picture Roy and the Sons of the Pioneers sitting around a campfire.  Addressing the effects of global warming and the melting of the polar icecaps, Roy and the S.O.P.’s sing Cool Water. Regarding interest rates, Roy and the S.O.P’s sing Tumbling Tumbleweeds. Since the economy would be bolstered from sales of Roy Rogers boots, shirts, lunchboxes, etc., Roy and S.O.P.’s sing Hard Times Come Again No More.

        Then Roy looks up, smiles, and tells the American people, “Good night, good luck and may the good Lord take a liken’ to ya.”

        I know what you are thinking. Roy and all the rest of our cowboy heroes have passed away. The present candidates are dead from the neck up. What’s the difference?  Vote for Roy.

        Happy Trails.